"Credit Crunch" - The Movie

After four weeks of busting my ass for a television/film company, I was rewarded (extremely belatedly) with my first big ass paycheck. Ofcourse, I literally ran to the local HSBC to deposit that little paper slip of joy into my account. On the way, I thought of all the ridiculous things that could happen to this cheque on the journey.

A bus could fly past, travelling above the speed limit and causing G force winds to send the cheque high into the air, floating on a gust. About two hundred yards down the road, a waste disposal truck is chugging along. The cheque looks as if it is about to float down and settle on the road, allowing an easy pick-up. Instead, fate (and rubbish) is there to interject and the paper sliver falls straight into the waste truck, and nestles itself on a black bin bag.

I think quick, jump into a taxi, scream "Follow that waste disposal truck!!" to the driver. He's clearly an ex-marine turned cabbie so he puts his foot down and off we go. We come to a set of traffic lights, "Pull up alongside the truck" I shout, "I'm going to jump for it. Come and find me after, i'll pay you when I cash this cheque that I'm chasing." He agrees, caught up in the moment, he's not worried about the cab fare, he's just happy to be back amidst the sort of front-line action he saw as a marine.

There's no need to jump, the traffic light is still on red. I exit the taxi, and leisurely climb into the back of the rubbish truck just as it pulls away. I can see the cheque now, resting on refuge, so near, yet so far. The driver must know there's an intruder, he starts to swerve the dumpster truck from side to side, throwing me about in the process, dislodging the cheque.

This continues for about ten minutes before we arrive at the waste depot, and along with the rest of the rubbish, I am tipped out into a huge scrapyard, and knocked unconscious.

I open my eyes, not knowing where I am, tied to an industrial boiler with black bin bags. "Why were you in my truck?" shouts a voice from behind. A rotting lettuce, possibly iceberg, possibly romaine, is thrown at my face. "I was looking for my paycheck. It fell onto your truck." "You're lying! There are no paychecks anymore. What do you think this is? The Golden Years?" Another piece of rotting fruit hits me in the head.

Wham. Bam. Smash. Two bodies drop to the floor. Marine Cabbie comes to save the day, whacking the binmen with a spade. About fifty more binmen come flooding into the boiler room, but between us, we manage to fend them off with more waste. I grab the cheque, we exit through a window, and speed away in his taxi.

*****
Best of luck to everyone out there feeling the squeeze at the moment.

'Credit Crunch' - THE MOVIE - will be out in cinemas soon.

To Do: Cash more cheques, get more cheques. Seriously.